I've compiled a list below of some of the many conspiracy theories that
have existed at one time or another since President John F. Kennedy's
assassination on November 22, 1963.

I'm sure there are even more than my list here reflects, but it illustrates
how utterly desperate (it would appear) that some conspiracy theorists
are/were to have some conspiratorial shenanigans taking place in Dealey
Plaza during the murder of JFK.

A person has to begin to wonder how there was even room enough for
all these gunmen in the Plaza? They must have been fighting for available
shooting locations, given the vast number of gunmen purported to be on
the scene that afternoon. I'm surprised there aren't some theories that
have the assassins shooting EACH OTHER, instead of hitting their desired
target of the President.

I heard a new one fairly recently that proposes the idea that Secret
Service Agent Roy Kellerman (who was seated in the front seat of the
Presidential limousine during the Dallas motorcade on 11/22/63, sitting
next to driver Bill Greer) actually fired the fatal head shot into John
Kennedy's brain with a small pistol that he miraculously fired WHILE
wasn't even looking at the President at the time the fatal head shot
was fired, but does that little detail stop a crazy theory like this one
from being thrown out on the front stoop, in hopes that some uninformed conspiracy theorist will come by and lap it up? Evidently not.

Another theory which resides in the "Ultra Ridiculous And Worthy Of As
Much Ridicule As Can Be Heaped Upon It" file is the "Great Zapruder
Film Hoax". I cannot help but laugh when I read the blurb that occupies
space on the back cover of James Fetzer's book bearing that "Hoax"
title --- "These findings demonstrate beyond reasonable doubt that the
Zapruder movie is, not merely touched up and altered, but wholly

"Beyond reasonable doubt"? Jesus H. Christ, give those with a brain a
friggin' break! And "Wholly fabricated"? It sounds as if Mr. Fetzer
doesn't even want to believe that Mr. Zapruder was filming a home movie
AT ALL on 11/22/63 in Dealey Plaza. Somebody's ready for the rubber
room it would appear.

Also: If the Z-Film has been (somehow) "fabricated" from whole cloth
(or altered in any major fashion), as Fetzer's "Hoax" book suggests, I'm
wondering why on Earth the conspirators faking the film KEPT IN the "rear
head snap" following the fatal shot to the President's head? Why
wouldn't these film-fakers want to reverse those frames to make it
appear that Kennedy was unequivocally shot from the rear (where "Patsy"
Lee Harvey Oswald was located)? But in ALL versions of the Zapruder
Film that exist, the violent to-the-rear head snap still exists. Go

Plus: What about ALL the other films taken on November 22? Did the
plotters phony-up the Nix, Bronson, and Muchmore films too, so that
they'd "match" the fakery of their "new" Zapruder Film? Quite obviously,
this is not very likely, even in the "Everything Was Faked" world of JFK
conspiracy theorists.

The whole idea put forth in Mr. Fetzer's waste of 480 "Hoax" pages is
pure nonsense and unsupportable conspiracy fodder to begin with. It's
simply unbelievable and not even worthy of serious discussion.

Let's wade through some more of the most popular JFK conspiracies:

101 JFK Conspiracy Theories (give or take a few):

1.) "The Great Zapruder Film Hoax". (Already ridiculed and raked
over the proverbial hot coals above.)

2.) "Badge Man". .... "BM", per many theorists, fired the fatal shot
into JFK's head from behind a fence on the infamous Grassy Knoll. The
major problem I have with this Gary Mack-created theory is that it is
derived from large blow-ups of an already very poor-quality still
Polaroid photograph (the Moorman photo). Blowing up the teeny area
behind the fence to huge proportions and STILL thinking you'd be able
to make out subtle details like a "badge" on a cop's uniform, or the
"arm band" on this police officer, or a "muzzle flash" as the rifle fires,
is way too much "wishful thinking" on the part of conspiracy theorists.

Plus, I'd also ask: What are the odds that Miss Moorman could have
possibly actually photographed the EXACT moment of the rifle being
fired so that the "muzzle flash" would still be visible in her picture?
I'd wager the odds are off the charts in favor of "improbable". Maybe
not "impossible", true, but man oh man, it sure would have been amazing
to have been able to capture that one tiny moment in time on a STILL
photographic image.

3.) Limo driver Bill Greer fired the head shot. .... Bill was evidently
pulling double-duty that day -- he had to navigate the heavy Lincoln
limousine while at the same time being depended upon to fire the fatal
bullet into JFK's skull. (Big ol' LOL on this one.)

4.) "The Umbrella Man" ("TUM"). .... The man who was holding the open
umbrella along Elm Street (and who can be seen in various pictures and
films) supposedly fired a poisoned dart into the neck of President Kennedy,
apparently (per this theory) to paralyze or incapacitate JFK so that the
"kill shot" could be made by another shooter with more ease. Anybody
buyin' this nonsense? My first question would be -- WHY on Earth would
any plotters want to fire a PRE-KILL shot into JFK (thereby warning the
Secret Service and/or the victim what was happening prior to the "big one")?
Completely illogical. Why not just fire the head shot FIRST and be done
with it?

4B.) "The Umbrella Man" (Version #2). .... A second "Umbrella Man"
theory has "TUM" being a "Signal Man" (instead of using the umbrella
itself as an actual weapon). TUM, per this alternate version of the
Umbrella theory, was evidently hired by some assassination bigwigs to
stand out in full view of everybody on Elm Street and "signal" to the
real killers in Dealey Plaza, letting the gunmen know exactly when to
fire their rifles at JFK. This TUM theory is nearly as ridiculous and
laughable as the "poisoned dart" version.

For one thing, how are the shooters supposed to keep an eye on
Umbrella Man AND keep their eyes on their target (JFK) at the same

Plus: To believe in this stupid theory, you'll have to throw all notions
of common sense out the nearest window and actually believe that these
conspirators would have had the balls to put one of their "assassin team"
members out on the sidewalk, in full view of many witnesses and CAMERAS
at the precise time JFK is being murdered.

This kind of reminds me of the incident where a group of brain-dead
criminals thought it might be a good idea to videotape themselves while
in the act of committing a felony! Smart plan, huh?

Both "Umbrella Man" theories require ample time to recover from rolling
around on the floor from the uncontrollable laughter that undoubtedly
ensues whenever reading about such ludicrous nonsense.

5.) "Sewer Man". .... This theory has a killer rooting around the Dallas
city sewer system beneath Dealey Plaza and firing the fatal JFK head shot
from below ground level along Elm Street. Problem being: No possible
angle could have been achieved from any Elm Street sewer to satisfy the
known head wounds sustained by the President. But, still, the theory
persists, without one solid piece of evidence to back up such silly and
unsupportable claims.

6.) "Black Dog Man". .... The "Black Dog Man" is a dark "blob" seen in
a couple of photographs above the retaining wall on the Grassy Knoll.
Some conspiracy theorists feel this "blob" is a man getting ready to fire
the fatal rifle shot. Of course, just WHY he would be out in plain sight
for all to film and photograph is, apparently, another matter for discussion.

7.) "Sandy-Haired Man In West-End TSBD Window". .... "Sandy" (as I call
him) has been purported to exist on the opposite (west) end of the
Texas School Book Depository's sixth floor from where Lee Harvey Oswald
was located in his "Sniper's Nest". Some CTers think "Sandy" can be
seen in a picture taken just seconds after the shooting, and that he
might have been an additional TSBD shooter on 11/22. This theory isn't
as crazy as most others, but it still lacks any solid evidence to back
it up. Plus, any shots from this west-end window do not equate to ANY
known wounds in either victim.

8.) Secret Service agent George Hickey accidentally fired the fatal shot
from the SS follow-up vehicle (with the bullet miraculously finding the
head of JFK). .... Yet another idiotic theory, without a shred of validity
to it. This is also a rather odd theory to be claimed by CTers, seeing as
how virtually all conspiracy theorists think the fatal head shot to JFK
came from the right-front, and NOT from behind the automobile.

9.) "Body-altering surgery" was performed on JFK prior to autopsy. ....
This theory usually comes complete with a second casket and a "decoy"
ambulance. Regarding all this hidden cloak-and-dagger type of activity,
I'd simply ask: Why didn't the conspirators simply shoot President Kennedy
from Oswald's Sniper's Nest on the sixth floor of the Book Depository and
be done with it? If they would have used just that one rear shooter, they
wouldn't have to worry about altering any wounds on JFK afterward (which
could not possibly have been done without some non-conspirators noticing
in the first place).

10.) The "Dal-Tex Shooter(s)". .... Were there one or more gunmen firing
from the Dal-Tex Building on Houston Street? Many conspiracy theorists
think so, despite the fact that there wasn't one witness, that I am aware of,
who immediately dashed into that building thinking shots might have come
from within it.

11.) "Kellerman Kills Kennedy" (as mentioned and easily debunked earlier).

12.) "Triple Underpass Shooter". .... Some people (although not very
many) seem to feel that JFK was shot from atop the Triple Underpass.
There are problems galore with this, including the question of why none of
the many railroad workers (and two Dallas police officers too) who were up
there on the overpass saw this rifle-toting assassin or heard any shots
coming from right beside them? Not a logical theory.

13.) Virtually all of the autopsy photos and X-rays have been "faked"
or altered in some manner. .... This one, too, doesn't reside in the
realm of anything approaching "reality" (IMO). Because 19 different
photo experts for the HSCA have verified the autopsy materials as
authentic and unaltered in any manner [see 7 HSCA 41]. Still, these
rumors persist like gum on the bottom of your shoe.

14.) Any combination of the above theories. .... For example: The
Oliver Stone "Triangulation of Crossfire" theory (with three gunmen in
various locations and six gunshots being fired). Amazing, though, isn't it,
that these six shots were somehow condensed into sounding like just the
THREE shots that were said to be heard by virtually EVERY person who
was in a position to immediately report the shooting to the world (Merriman
Smith, Jack Bell, and WFAA's Jay Watson to name but three)? Funny
coincidence, wasn't it? And incredibly lucky for the conspirators too, it
would seem.

Plus, there's the added miraculous luck of the shooters/conspirators that
resulted in the THREE separate shots that supposedly (per CTers) caused
the back and neck wounds in TWO different men (JFK and John Connally)
somehow lining themselves up to perfection to make it SEEM afterward
like these three shots could all be explained away with one single bullet
(the "Single-Bullet Theory"). Is there no end to the overwhelming good
fortune of these amazing conspirators?


In my own view, there comes a time when you've just got to step back
from the bottomless abyss of conspiracy and say "enough is enough"!
That time was long ago for this writer. For it's been quite clear to me for
a lengthy period of time that none of the above theories is worth a hill
of beans.

In my opinion, the Warren Report had it correct from the beginning --
Lee Harvey Oswald took his own rifle to work on November 22, 1963, and
murdered President Kennedy all by himself. And he didn't even need one
single umbrella to accomplish the deed.

Three shots.
One rifle.
One killer.

It's the logical conclusion.

David Von Pein
March 2005



(PART 2)